Great Expectations: Stress and the ‘if/then’ formula
These days, less and less of us would describe ourselves as followers of a particular religion, and a 2018 BSA survey on religion in the UK found that over half the population has no religious faith at all.
But I’d like to play devil’s advocate here (no pun intended) and suggest that we’re all actually as devout and religious as ever.
In fact, most of us practice a very specific form of ‘religion’- each and every day of our lives.
I’d like to argue that we’re all devout followers of a particular faith - a faith in something that’s never actually worked, but that none of us are willing to let go of.
I’d like to argue that all of us - deep down - are Should-ists.
Should-ism is characterized by underlying feelings of fear, guilt, and worry - and arises as a consequence of being fundamentally out of sync with reality.
It’s a deep seated expectation that things should be other than what they are, arising from a deeper expectation that people, places and things should make us happy - all the time.
Should-ism’s adherents live with a constant sense of dissatisfaction and desperation - and are forever inclined towards disappointment, discouragement and conflict.
Despite its profound impact on our lives, many people are not even aware that they’re devout Should-ists in the first place - and even those who are, find it very hard to relinquish.
In short, Should-ism is at the very cornerstone of our lives.
Wanting v Needing
At root, the Should-ist outlook is really a confused form of desire.
But bear in mind that desire in and of itself is not a problem at all. Plain old desire is normal, natural, and neutral.
For example, the desire for happiness is a useful part of human nature. So too is the desire to reduce stress, or even to help others.
Desire becomes dysfunctional when we misconceive where happiness and stress actually come from - giving rise to conceptual distortion of attachment.
Practically speaking, plain old desire makes us WANT stuff - to move towards people, places and objects in an attempt to increase happiness and reduce stress.
Attachment does the same thing but with a dual distortion overlaid: the sense that we are fundamentally incomplete on the one hand and the sense that the object possesses a unique power to complete us on the other.
Attachment, then, is the belief that we (desperately) need certain things for our survival and that deep down we’ll be nothing (at all) without them.
In short, attachment makes us NEEDY.
Great Expectations
If you take a moment to reflect on any individual attachment you’ll be able to discern an unrealistic expectation lurking in there as well.
This is because attachment is always a variation of the if/then formula which states: if I get {x}, then I’ll be {x}.
Common examples are things like: if I get rich then my life will change beyond all recognition,IF if I get that relationship then we’ll all live happily ever after, if I get that job then everything will be different and amazing etc.
And at root all of these are reducible to: if I get {x}, then I’ll be truly happy.
Happiness through the eyes of attachment is always a flight from an unhappy version of the ‘present’ or ‘past’, towards a projected version of perfect happiness in the future.
The problem with all this though, is that because your initial starting point is to come from a position of lack, there’s no actual way out of that position - whether you get the object or not.
We’re all familiar with the first part - if I don't get the object I’ll remain miserable and incomplete.
But here’s the thing: if I do get the thing that ‘completes’ me, I still can’t actually win.
Why? Because all I’ve done is securely lock in place the self-identification that I need something else to complete me, which - guess what? - is exactly how I got into this situation in the first place.
So whenever you come from a place of attachment you’re always already caught up in the double whammy of a distorted sense of need on the one hand and an unrealistic expectation on the other.
And because of that your life will always be characterized by varying levels of dissatisfaction, disappointment, and desperation.
You’ll never achieve the fulfilment that you’d hoped for.
And ultimately the very thing you sought in the name of radical happiness will stagnate your life force, rob you of your freedom, creativity, and health - and take happiness itself off the table.
A radical alternative?
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way.
True and lasting happiness is possible. It’s possible for you. And it’s possible now.
But we can only experience this if we first critically reflect upon, and then deconstruct, our unwitting faith in Should-ism.
The belief that things should be different sets us up for failure because things aren't different.
And if we predicate our happiness on external things arranging themselves (and remain forever) in a certain conducive formation then we’re doomed from the very beginning.
The truth is we are born into, and live at all times within, a world that is uncertain, complex, antagonistic and ambiguous.
The only certainty - as Buddha, science and any reasonable reflections reveal to us - are that things inevitably will go wrong.
If you expect otherwise - if you believe that things should be other than they are in that basic sense - you can count on being unhappy and unfulfilled forever.
But here’s the thing: even with that predicament a real, radical alternative exists. Something that really can fulfill your deepest wishes for happiness and wellbeing.
Because right here in the present moment, ‘before’ and ‘behind’ the distorted conceptual overlay of attachment and Should-sim - you ARE happiness already.
You have your own inner source of wellness, abundance and prosperity.
You don't need to go out and acquire it. You simply need to look within and mine it.
By letting go of that sea of projected false expectations, you’re free to fall into the present moment and experience reality for the first time.
In short, if you let go of unrealistic expectations, then you can finally be happy.